No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
