Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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