Porn is love you can see.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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