Someone shit on the floor
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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