Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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