i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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