like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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