So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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