Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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