my phone cant type all the emotion im having
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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