I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you told grandpa to call you daddy
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
