Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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