i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
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It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
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I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
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