I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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