I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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