Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
