Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
