3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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