my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
