Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
third nipple confirmed
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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