he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
