woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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