yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
