dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
