Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
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I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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