oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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