I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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