The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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