do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
