guys are only as good as the porn they watch
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
