Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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