So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
