My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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