if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
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just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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