I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
