i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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