i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
