Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
