I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
