Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
