I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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