Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
