I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
