Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
