Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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