Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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