You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
third nipple confirmed
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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