she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
