I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
