I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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