Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
