The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
