Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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