A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
