I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
