Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
