you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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