honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
