You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
